Thursday 21 April 2016

Hello New Feeling

I have never  been a baby person. Kids do not fascinate me. I categorically do not understand or know how to play with children or entertain them or interact with them.

Naturally, I was very worried about my mothering skills and my 'mamta' so to say. I was slowly resigning to the fact that I'll probably be a dutiful parent at best. The one who does the 'work'- make food, clean the kids and the house, change clothes and diapers; basically, take care of needs. And Dad would be the fun parent, the one the kids bond with and have a good time around.

'Mother's bond', 'Maternal instinct' etc sounded like words bouncing off from maternity wards to make women like me feel worse (presuming there are more like me). Children don't come with a user manual, else I'd have read it cover to cover. I wondered when will that instinct kick in with me.. all the other hormones have!

Until that first vaccination.
The good people researching vaccines should really make these as easy as eating candy. All was going well till the vaccines kicked in and my little baby started crying- like never before. 

Got introduced to new cries and a new me. Watching him howl in pain, a helpless little human, was more heart wrenching than I was prepared for. I couldn't fathom who was more helpless, him or me. I couldn't eat or sit still or smile or even get distracted.

It dawned on me that life will never be the same again. I will never be the same again. My heart strings have crawled out sneakily and attached themselves to the well being of my baby.

It was a happy realization that THIS is Bond. Mother's Bond. (or the start or it).

Home Coming

At T+3 days. I reached home.

I felt like an eggshell. They cracked me open, took my baby out and left me bandaged to heal.

Broken, patched up eggshell with painful, some engorged, some deflated body parts. Couldn't stand straight, couldn't cough, laugh or even sneeze. Every trip to the washroom was a prayer!

I felt handicapped. I thought I would never be normal again. One trip to the market would leave me exhausted for days. This was not my body. this body is weird. My stamina was absent and I felt weak. I felt cheated. But I had walked everyday! I was active! Then why this.
Oiled up and in night suits for a month. It seemed like years.

It seemed like my metamorphosis was taking place. Like this was my transition period from a person to a mother.

I got so busy in healing and taking care of the little new life that the 'wonder' got lost somewhere. Between fierce internet search on everything about a new born, to a feed & pee log book, to sleep management; that moment to pause and marvel at my offspring didn't really come... till one night, when the baby was fed, burped, changed and calmly sleeping... there was no one around and it was all calm. It was just him and me. And I realized that, that is my own flesh and blood.

We created this. This is that ONE thing that we can truly call ours. Wow.

Looking Back

'Have a healthy diet, go for regular walks, practice yoga, have good thoughts,maintain an active lifestyle, regularly massage your bump and remember God.'

There are so many things one should do to make that one, perfect, beautiful baby and when you are a first time mom; you do it all.

I ate Almonds everyday, a bowl of fruits, 2 eggs and had lots of milk. Stayed fit. Everyone encouraged and applauded me and I was utterly convinced that I will not only have a natural birth but also an easy one and will barely gain any weight or shed it off quickly.

Fail, Fail. and FAIL.

Full labor and emergency c-section- numerous PVs (internal examination) and boring, dull hours of lying down alone with drips on both hands yielded nothing. BUT a lovely spinal injection, a swift cut, lots of inane chatter and half an hour later my beautiful (figure of speech), semi bald baby boy was welcomed to the outside world; among very enthusiastic grandparents, a hands on Massi and a very smiley, coyly happy Dad.

I, officially became a mother on June 14th, 2014 at 7:30 pm. One year later I am still coming to grips with what all this role entails.